Dear Friend

I keep going back and forth between feeling incredibly hurt and feeling angry…not that our friendship ended but that I wasn’t worth enough to you for you to even tell me 1) that it was over and 2) why it was over. I’ve been working on forgiveness…not that you need my forgiveness but that the bitterness and pain building up within me over this situation is interfering with my daily life. As such, I need to forgive you and move on from this in order to stay sane. It’s hard to do, though, because I didn’t want to let you in in the first place. I remember the last time a friend ghosted me and how it affected me. I remember you assuring me that that wouldn’t happen with us and me forcing myself to believe you…and I think that what hurts the most is that I did eventually believe you. My conclusion is that something must be wrong with me.

The ironic thing is that I was so upset the last time we hung out and I was planning on talking to you about our friendship and how I felt. We had promised not to shut down on one another again and you did after I talked with her. I understand that you two don’t like each other but I’ve never apologized to her for being friends with you and I don’t want to apologize to you for being friends with her. It hurt that you shut down on me instead of telling me whatever was going on in your head. And then I was upset because, whenever we were walking, you said you were going to walk me home. Then, when I started to cross by the corner and thought you were coming with me, I heard you yell “well, bye”. And when I turned around, you were starting the other way. I was hurt and angry because it felt like you had said one thing and done another and I didn’t understand why you were upset with me.

I also wanted to talk to you about what you said about quitting your job because you weren’t happy. I’ll admit that, whenever you said that, I was a little annoyed…not because you weren’t happy but because it feels like you keep trying the same thing and expecting different results. Changing your job isn’t going to make you happy. Being in or out of a relationship isn’t going to make you happy. These are things you’ve tried before with no different results. What needs to change is how you view yourself. You’re not unhappy because of your circumstances or where you’re at. Sure, those things may contribute…but ultimately, you’re unhappy because you don’t see your worth and you let yourself underestimate your value. Your job doesn’t need to change. Your relationship doesn’t need to change. Your perception of yourself does…and you are not defined by your circumstances.

I’ve started a Bible study with a friend from church. It’s called “Anchored: A Bible Study on Self-Worth” and it’s…a Bible study…on self-worth. So far, it’s painful, but I think that it will really help me…and so far, it’s doing a great job at rewiring my brain to understand my worth. This is only the first week but what I’ve learned so far is a game-changer. I haven’t written all this out to try to salvage a friendship or because I even expect you to read it. In all probability, you will either never see it or see it and never open it. I’ve written it out because I needed closure and writing this letter has given me that.

I hope you know that I am working on forgiving you for ghosting me. It will take time for me to let go of the hurt but I think that the anger is mostly gone. I hold no ill-will towards you. I still love you and wish nothing but the best for you. I pray for you daily. I asked God to remove anything from my life that will distract me from him and maybe that’s what happened. All I can do is trust him in this and try to let go. He always has a plan and something good has to come of this because that’s how he works…he brings beauty from pain. I hope you have an amazing rest of your life and that you find what you’re looking for. Goodbye.

All my love…