“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” — Confucius

I am thirty-one years old. Last night, I graduated from the RN program at a nearby college. This journey has tested me more than any journey I have taken. At times, I wondered if I was doing the right thing. On this journey, I lost friends who no longer wanted to wait for me to find time in my schedule. Several times, I almost lost my marriage. Occasionally, it felt like even my instructors didn’t think I could (or should) finish. At school, I felt very much like an outcast. I struggle with socializing with peers (I think that is likely from the autism that I’ve diagnosed myself with). I acknowledge that I am an odd person. For a while and then intermittently, my depression reared its head. Some days, the only thing that made me get out of bed in the morning was the fact that I am now several thousand dollars in debt and would have no way to pay it off if I didn’t finish the journey I started. Still, I confess that, at times, intrusive thoughts gave me fantasies that made me question everything.

I started this journey with a desire to help people who may not be able to help themselves. Since I was a little girl, I always advocated for others. I frequently stood up for people who were being bullied at school, even if that meant telling a teacher they were in the wrong. I have a very strong sense of justice that is stronger than most of my other urges. At one point, selfishness caused me to lose sight of that for a few years. In time, God brought it back to me.

Still, for the majority of my life, I thought I was worthless and stupid. The Bible study I mentioned in a previous post helped me to see myself differently. On top of that, a very wise woman had me write positive affirmations on sticky notes and place them around my home. I’ve only added them to my monitor but they say the following: I am enough. I am free. I am chosen. I am hardworking. I am honest. I am funny. I am compassionate. I am empathetic. I am creative. I am intelligent.

It feels like a fever dream whenever you finally begin to believe in yourself. Honestly, there is likely an imprint of my butt on the ground from the number of times life has knocked me down. However, through it all, I know God has been with me. He has a plan for me and there is nothing I can do to mess that up. Without him, I would not have made it this far. I would not have a loving husband, caring friends, and an encouraging church family to support me. I would never have started nursing school, much less actually cross that stage. I would not even be alive. I can’t wait to see where He takes me next.