Forgiveness

It’s been a couple of months since I finished the Anchored Bible study on self-worth but I feel the need to backtrack and tell you all of my journey through this study. First, let me take a moment to explain what Anchored is. I’ve mentioned it in the past and I’ve stated that it’s a Bible study on self-worth. So what does that mean?

Anchored begins by assessing your goals, expectations, and concerns regarding the uptake of this study. It then has a self-worth assessment to take stock of how you see yourself. On a scale of 1-10, it asks you to rate yourself based on several different categories. It also includes a couple of empty spaces to add your own traits. I’m going to be very vulnerable for a moment and share what my numbers were at the start of this journey compared with the end.

• Overall Self Worth — 2 / 7
• Kind — 5 / 9
• Lovable — 3 / 8
• Smart — 6 / 8
• Funny — 4 / 9
• Worthy of Love — 1 / 9
• Accepted For Who I Am — 1 / 6
• Confused — 6 / 4
• Happy — 3 / 8
• Sad — 9 / 4
• Angry — 8 / 4
• Confident — 2 / 8
• Scared — 8 / 3
• I Wish I Was Different — 10 / 5
• Lonely — 9 / 5
• Misunderstood — 9 / 3
• Something Is Wrong With Me — 10 / 1
• I Think I Am Crazy — 10 / 4
• Damaged [this was my own] — 10 / 2

How amazing of a change is this?

First, let me begin by saying that, if you do this study, it isn’t something you should do alone. There doesn’t have to be a lot of people but I would recommend having at least one or two people to work through this with. There are times when you will need their support.

The Anchored Bible study focuses on helping you realize who Jesus says you are, the lies we believe, why we believe those lies, and how to overcome them. One quote I love from this study says “[…]low self-worth is not from God, and the longer we walk in it, the longer we are at risk for missing the gifts He has for us.”

The study uses a mix of group discussion, activities, scripture, and alone time to help bring about the realization of who we are. It also frequently puts an emphasis on whether or not you are safe because if we are not safe, we cannot heal.

This study then shows us what the truth is to combat the lies we believe about ourselves. For instance, for the lie “I will never measure up”, the truth is “I am more than enough”. It then launches into an explanation of why this truth is true. One thing it says is “God does not expect us to live the perfect Christian life. We could strive to follow all the Christian ‘customs’ and commandments, and go to church every Sunday and still be missing His desire for us and our desire for Him. If anything, the more we strive to ‘obtain’ His approval, the more we actually take control away from Him. Taking control is the exact opposite of surrender. ‘For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith — and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God — not by works, so that no one can boast’ (Eph. 2:8-9). Surrender is the act of acknowledging you belong to Him and faith is the act of carrying it out on a daily basis when we cannot see what is happening. It is a relationship of trust and it is beautiful. No expectations and no approval seeking”.

After learning what the truths are to replace our lies, the study has us assess the why behind the lie. It is very in-depth and requires quite a bit of work. Near the end, the study hones in on forgiveness. This was the hardest part of the study for me. After all, I have a lot of trauma and wounds. Some of them, I kept thinking I had forgiven. Others, I wasn’t willing to forgive.

“It is forgiveness of a person whom God created, not forgiveness of a specific act. We forgive people, not behavior […] We forgive ourselves and others as an act of obedience to God. We forgive because we love Him […] If they show no remorse, I will forgive them for God because I love God, and for myself so I am no longer tied to this person with a negative stronghold.”

I wasn’t expecting this study to talk about forgiveness. I also wasn’t expecting the perspective of forgiveness to be so different from what I’d heard in my life. The study has us list people you still need to forgive, why they did what they did, whether they are safe or unsafe, and if there was anyone we aren’t ready to forgive. It specifies that boundaries are a necessary and loving part of this process. You can forgive someone and go “no contact” if need be. Forgiveness does not mean allowing unsafe people around.

At the end of this section, it has us go to God, pray, and forgive. If we are not ready to forgive, it has us ask God to help us to forgive. I didn’t have very many people that I needed to forgive.

• My mother
• My father
• My siblings
• My childhood church camp bully
• My husband

Oh, I forgave most of these readily enough. However, when I got to my husband, there was a hard stop. I stared at the page and my whole body tensed. The woman doing the study with me asked if I thought this was something we should do on our own rather than together and I agreed because I had no desire to forgive him. On my drive home, I fumed and I cried. I told God that I did not want to forgive my husband again and that I would not ask Him to help me because I knew that, if I asked for help, God would help me.

Friends, it’s important for me to confess here that, in the days leading up to this moment, I had been searching rental properties in the state with every intention of leaving my husband. Please don’t misunderstand. My husband has never raised a hand — or even his voice — to me. For the most part, he has been good to me. Even now, as I’m sick with covid, he has been caring and compassionate. I won’t say what he was doing because it is not my sin to uncover. Suffice it to say that, for well over a year, I considered leaving almost daily. The pain of the circumstances was simply too much for me to handle and I had forgiven time and time again but there was always something else to forgive.

But I digress.

Once I had gotten home, I tried to sleep. I had a shift that night and it was already almost 10 in the morning. I would need to be awake in 6 hours. Riddled with guilt, however, I couldn’t sleep. I finally told God “I am not ready to forgive him and I can’t ask You to help me because I know You will. But I want to honour You and I want to be obedient to You. Therefore, please, make me willing to ask You to help me.” At last, I could sleep.

I don’t remember when I finally gave in and asked for help forgiving my husband. I vaguely remember complaining to God about how unfair I found it. I don’t remember what all I said…but I remember what He said: Hosea.

That was it. There was no thunder or lightning. There was no grand conversation. All I got was “Hosea”. But as soon as I heard it, I felt an insane peace and joy wash over me. There was no more hurt. I hadn’t tried forgiving and yet I had forgiven. I suddenly understood that I was to love my husband in spite of his sins in the same way that God loves me in spite of mine. He could do this again and again and I was to forgive each time and continue loving him. It was instantly easy to do.

The next section of the Bible study is about rebuilding our lives in God. It then has us write letters to God. Even if you never do this study, I would recommend writing to God. I find it much easier to avoid distractions and to revisit prayers whenever they are written. I also find that it takes me deeper into my prayer than if I only think the prayers. I must add, however, that some of my most powerful praises of God have been spoken. There is nothing quite like starting your day with “Blessed art thou, LORD God of Israel, King of the Universe. You have created all things and You sustain all things. One day, every knee will bow and every tongue will confess Your glory. Thank You that Your mercies are new each morning. Great is Your faithfulness.” Things like this? Say them out loud. I dare you. No, I triple-dog dare you.

Once I had reached the end of this study, I was changed. I prayed for God to change me by the renewing of my mind as spoken in Romans 12. I had prayed that prayer before but something was different this time. Once I prayed that, I no longer cared about television. I used to become offended if my husband watched something without me when he knew I wanted to see it. Suddenly, I didn’t care if I watched the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie and I told him that it was okay for him to watch it without me. I didn’t care about binging shows, spending all day playing video games, or browsing social media for hours. None of that mattered any more. I was free. My depression was gone. My anxiety was gone. All I wanted was to be closer to Jesus and to know God completely.

I think this might be the longest post I have ever written on this blog. If you have read it, thank you. This is a lot of words to say “12 / 10, would recommend” for the Anchored Bible study…but also to say that God has saved my marriage and I am a new creation.

All glory, honour, power, and majesty be to God the Father and Jesus Christ His Son.

Amen.