Providence

They say that everything happens for a reason. Wars have been fought over those few simple words. I suppose one might find it encouraging to believe such things. And what about you? Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Or is the universe–all that we are–simply chaos…?

***

I was four years of age the first time I learned about sex. It was a simple game of house…and one in which reality intertwines with imagination. I was nine years of age whenever I learned that sometimes ropes are just longer than the distance of a branch from the ground. I was eleven years of age when I found my faith in humanity slightly restored…because, you see, somebody I told helped me…unlike all of the others…

I was fourteen years of age when I decided that I was done with being bullied and dealing with my pain. I decided to become the bully. And I told Satan that, if he could give me revenge, I would serve him forever. I had many fantasies…fantasies of killing schoolmates and of killing those who had abused me for years…fantasies of starting wars and torturing anyone who stood in my way. I was filled with so much anger…so much hate…

I was fifteen years of age when I changed my mind.

I was sixteen years of age when my parents divorced. I started showing my body to perverted strangers online, hoping to fill this growing, rotting hole inside of me. It didn’t matter what happened because I was damaged goods…disgusting and ugly…this was clearly the only way anyone could ever want me.

I was eighteen years of age when I met Jesus. Sure, I had gone to churches my entire life…and every one of them was a bold indicator of what I did not want to be…hypocrites, bullying me just as much as those in school…refusing to allow me to be saved and baptized as a small child because “children don’t understand the love of Jesus”.

Sometimes, children understand as much as–if not more than–adults. I understood well enough…I understood that I was alone and broken. I understood that I relished the thought of dying and finally being free of everything. I understood that I would have tried anything to feel some peace inside of me.

But I digress.

At eighteen, my life began changing. I stopped trying to kill myself. The desire to die left me altogether. I studied the Bible and apologetics daily. I prayed almost constantly. I still had anger inside of me that would burst out on occasion, but nothing quite as detrimental as before. I started a ministry online, helping strangers to understand my faith and doing my best to be an encouragement. And in all of this, I grew.

I was nineteen years of age when we moved back North and my childhood abuser almost always ended up in the same house. I didn’t understand forgiveness and I convinced my mother that forgiveness meant giving this person another chance. I understand now that that is not always what it means to forgive.

At nineteen, my faith began shifting. It was no longer steady and strong. I began thinking about death again. I might have began trying to die again, but I met a family through my ministry. They offered to take me in and to help me. It was a way out, but I was still wary. I knew better than most the dangers of the world. I began to pray fervently for some indication of what to do. It was then that I felt something like a feather brush across my heart and I heard–though it wasn’t quite hearing–“Isaiah 40:5”. I couldn’t recall ever having read this before and so I looked it up.

“And the glory of the LORD shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together: for the mouth of the LORD hath spoken it.” (Isaiah 40:5 KJV) That was…a pretty powerful “go”, I thought. And so, I went. I moved in with this family in the Midwestern United States. Over time, I met the man I would eventually marry. (He was one of my superiors at work…I guess a part of me still likes power…)

In the time since I have moved when called, a carousel of doors has opened and closed. I have found a church unlike any I could ever ask for. I have married a wonderful man who loves me despite my flaws and makes me feel like threads of spun gold. I have joined a family that makes me feel welcome always. I have gained the confidence to occasionally see myself as beautiful. I had a car accident in which I could have died, but crawled out of the window without a scratch on me. The passenger side had been all but demolished. The driver side was mostly fine. And even though the car had landed upside down, the sunroof wasn’t even cracked (though the windshield had spiderwebs of cracks and holes). I was stopped from having a car accident by a window of about ten minutes because I ran into a friend and got to chatting. Had I not, the fatal accident I came upon later would have been mine. Because of that accident, I felt the need to enter into nursing and am now certified as a CNA as well as in CPR.

The world I live in today is not the world in which I was born. It is one I was thrown into, often kicking and screaming…but alive and loved. And whenever my eyes are on Jesus, my world is one with peace, even in the midst of the storm. Admittedly, I have slipped and my eyes have trailed elsewhere of late. Maybe, though…maybe it’s time I came home.

They say that everything that is, was, and will be is simply chaos. Wars have been fought over those few simple words. I suppose one might find it encouraging to believe such things. And what about you? Do you believe that the universe–all that we are–is chaos? Or does everything happen for a reason…?